Boy, did I interpret that quote wrong. I'll explain, but for now, let's put three asterisks and then start from the beginning.
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Dear reader, I write to you after a long time, for I have felt inadequate to grace you with any words. You see, the title of this little newsletter is The Good Life. I picked the name for two reasons. Primo, the question of "what makes a good life" is one that has preoccupied me for a long time. Secondo, as a member of the Soaring Twenties Social Club (you will never find a more lively hive of fun and creativity) I've made a bit of a reputation of a bon vivant at the club’s Discord server, mostly thanks to the photographs I would regularly post of my flaneuries, wanderings through my beautiful homeland and beyond. Photos of fields, vineyards, olive groves, islands, good food and cozy streets.
But you see, dear reader, my posting of these things in the last months have been few and far between and I cannot say I feel like I have been living the good life. It is also why my letters here have been, well, nonexistent. I did not find myself worthy to post under the title I hung over my head, which in recent times has felt more like the sword of Damocles, and less like an ideal to strive for.
What happened?
It's what I have been asking myself in the previous weeks. This introspection has been guided mostly by the fact that I have tremendous issues in being present in my day job. It has become so hard to focus on my work lately: I've been missing deadlines, not jumping on opportunities, delaying tasks until they become unbearable, procrastinating, avoiding, and so on.
I should point out here that I work for myself. I run my own business and don't answer to some nasty boss (although one could argue...). It's not like I'm being exploited by some evil corporation. What to think when one starts to "quiet quit" on oneself?
At first, I blamed the nature of the job. It's boring, it's mind-numbing, the clients are annoying, the work is impossible, I'm burnt out, I should switch careers. Etc., etc. But if I'd stop to look at it objectively... the job isn't half bad. Does it have annoying or difficult parts? Of course. If it was all easy and fun, no one would pay me to do it, would they? Even the best job is going to have such elements, there's no going around that. Changing the kind of work I do just didn't strike me as the real solution.
Then I tried to change how I worked, implementing everything from productivity tips, blocking software, delegating more, etc. etc. All the usual. It didn't help.
I went deeper, asking myself, why would I be giving up on a business I've built, that I was good at, that was paying well, and wasn't all *that* bad? I started investigating more the psychology and philosophy of the whole thing and that's when I found things like the introductory quote. Online talking heads would explain how one needs be aware of how their work is contributing to society and changing the world, and that shall provide motivation. Words like passion and purpose and mission and vision would hang around these parts. Psychology studies would be cited. You need autonomy in your work, they'd yell. Well, can't get more than I have as the owner-operator of my little practice. You aren’t motivated, they'd say, because you don't see how your work contributes to the greater good. Yet, people come me with problems, and I help them, and then they don't have the problem anymore. I can see how my work has a contribution to my fellow man. And so on, it would seem I'd tick every box, yet the same feeling was there. Then I realized that all this advice about how your work needs to be like this or like that is a misdirection.
I don't know if it's the protestant work ethic, the hustle culture online, or the general worship of the economic over the human of our times, but the general perception is that the "why" the quote from Nietzsche mentions has to relate to the work itself. You know, your job must have a purpose. Your business must have a mission and vision. You must have passion for the work you do, etc. It was all about fixing the work. If only the right kind of work, or way of working comes along, a person would be just beaming with joy, even if they were working 14-hour days.
You see, I noticed something else about myself in all this navel gazing. I noticed I was feeling a bit lonely lately. Which made no sense at first, as I am lucky enough to have a large number of good friends, from all phases of my life, supportive parents, good colleagues, a lady which enjoys going for walks with me and laughs at my silly jokes, people I share hobbies with and so on. But then I realized I've been barely finding time for any of them. Or for my hobbies for that matter. Or for flaneury in nice places. Or for almost anything else that brings feelings of joy and connection and meaning into my life.
And then I came to a realization that seems so obvious now that I'm almost embarrassed to share it. I've been prioritizing work way too much, to the detriment of other areas of my life. Not even because I had to, but out of habit. Out of some feeling of guilt or a belief that if I don’t put in the hours, I’m being lazy. And then it hit me - I wasn't going to fix my engagement at work by changing anything at work. I was going to fix it by fixing everything else. I was going to fix it by living my life. Focusing on fixing the work was just giving the work even more attention, to the detriment of the rest.
Of course I was basically self-sabotaging. Who wouldn't? If there was an activity you were doing which was, your subconscious might notice, preventing you from doing anything fun and engaging and joyful with the rest of your life, which was the reason why it took two weeks of texting to find time to have a coffee with a friend, why not sabotage it? It's the most rational thing to do! Why not create an internal feeling of your body trying to leave your skin when you sat down to do this thing which was causing you to be disconnected from your people, your exploration of the world and your expression of yourself? At some point, your subconscious surely planned, you will fuck up enough at work, and ruin your business, and then *finally* be free to go get what you are desperately and truly craving - connection, engagement, fun.
It seems to me that so many people who struggle with finding motivation to work, regardless if it's a job or their own business, get advice that points them to somehow improve the work itself. Schedule, plan, to-do apps, remove distractions, change jobs, meditate, write a mission statement, quit caffeine, have caffeine, stare at the sun, on and on. And that, sure, might be what a person needs. But what if that's the wrong approach in many cases? What if the reason you don't care about your work anymore is that all you really do is work and use your free time to run errands? What if the "why" you need to endure any "how" isn't about the purpose or mission of your work? What if the "why" is simply a lifestyle of hanging out with good people, leaning new things and doing fun stuff, which your work funds? Maybe you started your career or business with that idea, but somehow along the way, the work seemed to eat up the time dedicated to all these other things. The things that actually give you energy.
Sure, work that takes a significant toll on your mental or physical health should probably be avoided if circumstances allow. Sometimes there's no helping it and you have to quit a bad situation. But before you do that, try drawing some firm lines over which your work life can't cross into the rest of your life. And then, more importantly, fill your private life with dinner parties and conversations in cafés and good books and long walks and silly jokes and new recipes and dancing and playing the guitar and learning Portuguese and whatever fills up your heart.
You might notice that your motivation for work soon returns, because you have found what your "why" is. A good life.
Well said, your life is your work, your why was there, the "day job" fits inside that and not the other way around, and it sounds like an awesome life, with "a large number of good friends, from all phases of my life, supportive parents, good colleagues, a lady which enjoys going for walks with me and laughs at my silly jokes, people I share hobbies with and so on".
Great piece. I think the "why" in the quote may mean not autonomy, mastery, and purpose as in "I'm my own boss and serve great customers" - but more intrinsic to your soul. What is the thing that brings a burning fire to do it to one's soul? For artists it's painting. For writers it's writing. For musicians, it's making music. If one does those things, they can bear the "how", meaning the bullshit business side of things I guess. I have days where I hate my business and days where I love it and the difference is when I do things that feed my soul, I love it. Incidentally, those things, for me, have changed over time, but the one thing they all have in common is they a creative activities. If I am CREATING, my why is fulfilled and I can bear the how. I don't think this is too different from what you're saying.